The book of Hebrews tells me that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, and although I heartily accept the badge that denotes me as a person of faith I have to be honest and admit that just like most of us, my faith tank needs topping off sometimes. I used to think that faith was a given, you either had it or you didn’t and once again, I was wrong. Faith can waver, ebb and flow if you like, according to our situation. As long as life is cruising along smoothly, my faith is sky high, I’m on a God buzz big time, but as soon as the inevitable train wreck hits, I feel like my faith could never be enough, like maybe I’m not as strong in God as I should be (Satan like to pull that one).
So I feel the need to DO something, anything to work out the problem. Wrong solution, most of the times that the train starts to derail God is moving things into His perfect plan and I have no idea what’s happening. These are the times for me when I feel like my faith is wavering. That’s been life for me lately, whether it’s health, money, vehicles, relationships or expectations, I’ve been walking around singing the old Dylan tune “Everything is broken”.
So I’ve been learning some interesting things about faith lately. One is that God always makes a way. Always. I’m trying to make myself sit and recollect the times that God has come through when I needed Him the most when I pray. This is so much more important to me when I get into a ‘what have you done for me lately’ mode in my pleadings. I heard the term ‘cosmic bellhop’ used in a sermon addressing the way we identify with God and it hit me like a throat punch that there have been times that I get so involved in the problem of the day that I forget who I’m praying to. I have to ask, am I praying to the God who spoke everything into existence and sent His son to die for me and my sins or am I simply looking for a cosmic bellhop to bail me out of my own situation du jour.
How easy it is for me to get lost in this mess, this search for an easy way out, this thinking that He sits around, waiting for me to tell Him what I want, when I want it and how I would like it packaged as if He needs me to show Him what’s happening like a good little bellhop. That’s pretty weak. Another lesson is that I always have more to learn, even if the lessons hurt, especially when they hurt. And it usually does hurt, not so much physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Spiritual lessons should cost something so that they stick well, and the most powerful lessons lessons I’ve learned cost me the most. I understand now about what King David meant when he said that he would not offer a sacrifice that cost him nothing. I’ve learned more sobbing and surrendering than when trying to muscle through alone and I’ve gained and grown so much more the last few years through surrender.
Lastly I’ve learned that when the struggle begins and I start to draw my focus towards me instead of my faith in the most high God, that’s the time to stop and immediately start looking back at all the times that He brought me through it and usually above and beyond whatever started it in the first place. That’s the time to really begin to worship Him, with a full heart for who He is. Next is a happy expectation of what adventure is ahead. This issue with faith is one of those lessons that I’m coming to grips with now, I’m learning that my heart needs to be inclined to the quality and quantity of my faith, I need to be unafraid to pray for more faith, boldly and with expectation. I stand with His strength, not my own and I always have more to learn and I can always know that that same God who spoke everything into existence and gave His Son for me is my strength and my power. I know that the train wrecks will keep coming, but I know that God always makes a way. Always