Change. It used to be that I was not only unafraid of change, but energized by it! All I could envision were new possibilities and the creative energy with which I could meet the emerging challenges. At this moment, I’m in the midst of the most perplexing transformations of my life. This time, it feels as though I’ve lost my footing, my direction, my purpose. Confusion seems to be overwhelming, with circumstances oftentimes generating more questions than answers. For me, it is reminiscent of an old science fiction show I used to watch called “Lost,” where the very fabric of the space-time continuum seemed to change capriciously, without rhyme or reason, controlled by an unknown force.
I realize that exercising my faith in God and His leading is the only way to transcend my frailties and circumstances, make it an active faith, as opposed to “watching to see what God will do”. I strive hard to remind myself that a working faith is the only kind that is effectual and produces lasting growth. That is when my toxic shame gets warmed up, because I’m not living up to the behavior/faith/service/standard I think I’m being held to.
The Holy Spirit taps me on the shoulder and whispers that it is Yahweh’s grace I am dependent on, even for the exercise of the faith I have, and that once again, I’ve made God too small in my eyes. May I be forgiven for this, because He has saved me so many times from so many things that brought me to the brink of complete desolation, indeed, from death itself. Jesus brought to my mind a song Natalie Grant sings called “King of the World” with lyrics that touched my heart. Here are some of those lyrics:
“When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You’re the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the world?
Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I’m strong enough
When You’re the one who made me from the dust
Ohhhh, You set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to me
And You’re holding on to me”
Once again, I take hold of Jesus’ hand, walking with Him down a darkened, mist-filled path, not knowing where we are going, yet knowing with whom I travel. He repeatedly reminds me that I do not need to see beyond His robes to rest in His peace, for I am not lost; I am only firmly in His grasp, where He has chosen to calm His child rather than the storms.