On Thursday, God answered three things I have been praying for in a big way. And it was so obvious it was His work. First, he answered a prayer for a good friend. Second, he answered a prayer I had been praying over the women’s retreat. Then, he answered a prayer I had been asking for myself.
I want to be really transparent with you here. I rarely make large petitions on behalf of myself. I’m not sure why. But, it is just easier to pray for others. It is easier to pray for friends, ministries, or moves of God in the Church. I’m just not very good at the very vulnerable place I need to be in to ask for God to move in my own life. I usually tell God he doesn’t need to respond to my needs because the needs of others are direr, more important.
I had found myself in a very desperate place earlier this year. Part of me blamed myself. The other part wanted to blame the enemy for being up to his schemes. I tried to trudge along in the situation for a while. It was awful. I was awful. My frame of mind poured into everything, but my family got the brunt of my emotional garbage.
I finally found myself praying faithfully for my situation. First, for my attitude. Then, for character and integrity in the situation. I prayed for protection. I prayed for my words. I prayed for a backbone to stand up for myself. And finally, I started begging God to change my situation completely. I even put a date on it. No Joke. I started to expect God to move.
I recently read a CS Lewis book that reminded me the importance of our Garden of Gethsemane moments. The desperate place for God to remove us from the very places we are in. And yet still, asking for His will through it all.
So, God found humor in my placing a date on my expectations. He blew it out of the water. He delivered about 3 months early. Yes, early.
I was willing to wait it out and put in my time. But, my timeline, allowed me to stay in control. God’s timing puts me in the folds of His grace. Because now, I need Him to lead here. It feels like my Father has reached down his hand to me and asked me to trust him.
If I could build an alter in this moment, I would remind myself to go to God sooner. Stop fearing the deep parts of ourselves that keep us intimately involved in our conversations with God. The shame and guilt of not being good enough or worthy of God’s time is the real lie of the enemy. God already knows what you’re walking in. He is just waiting to hear from us.
I’m scared. Vulnerable yet completely at peace. We are walking from my place in the Garden to the place where faith will move mountains.