I am a freak about time. I love schedules and time management systems. I am the one who thinks 15 min early to an appointment is on time but 10 min early is running late. It may not surprise you to know that “quality time” is also my love language.
But as I type this to you today, my time is not my own. My daughter is less than a week from a mission trip to Malawi, Africa. But, I am in a hotel in Orlando, FL for work. Let me throw in a disclaimer here. I love my job and am very blessed to be a part of the organization. It just so happens that our national convention is the few days before my daughter’s trip.
For a time freak like myself this is worse than a running late scenario for me. In a time where I would want to be spending all of my time and energy preparing my daughter for her trip, I’m not even there. Did I mention she is going to be gone the entire month? This mama’s heart is overwhelmed. Leading up to this week, I did all of the prep work. We went shopping. We are pretty much all done with the to-do list. But these precious hours are being spent apart and that is where my heart breaks.
I have prayed God would use our time apart. I prayed the time would be used wisely. I prayed God would comfort any feelings my daughter may have about us being a part. I prayed God would heal my own heart from any mama guilt for being apart. And still I feel out of control and a little sad.
The thing about being a time freak is that it often gives me a false sense of control. As if somehow my meticulous planning controls the rotation of the earth. It just doesn’t work this way. When I don’t have control of my time, my confidence waivers, my focus gets skewed, and I feel lost. Being here isn’t where I want to be so I feel frustrated and a little panicked.
But, what if being here is exactly where I’m supposed to be?
I’ve been a faithful woman long enough to understand that God’s plans are better than my own. And my journey has taken me through incredible unplanned circumstances. Understanding comes a lot sooner than it used to. At one time I would have spent the whole trip overwhelmed and missing out on the very moment its self. The paralyzing part of being a time freak is it can steal you away from the very moment you are in. The important places, the teachable, life changing moments don’t always get written into our well laid plans.
I need God to move.
I won’t lie to you. I sit here praying for God to do something while I’m here. I don’t want this time to be wasted. I don’t want to have missed a week I could have so greatly used with my daughter to be wasted….
Did I mention being a time freak makes me a control freak?
Even now, as I try to calm my heart and be here in this moment. A moment I can’t control. (Did I mention that every minute of my time here is schedule?) I try to control it all. Even if God is going to move or not.
Here’s the things I know. God love my time freak, control freak, nature and had a hand in creating me. Even in my nature he walks with me. I know he is patient in my impatient moments. I know he moves even if it isn’t in my timing. I know he knows the purpose in all my moments. And, His ways are higher than my ways.
May I encourage you today? Whatever feels out of control in your life at the moment, seek and know God’s promises in it. The feelings of frustration may not leave you, but He will comfort you. Praise Him that he is always faithful in our times of need.