I feel I need to start with an apology. Only because I want you to understand my perspective and where my words and thoughts are coming from. I’m not sure exactly where on the spectrum I land, but I am grieving. Some days I am in denial, some days acceptance, but mostly I seem to have settled in around the place of anger and pity.
I’m grieving what I’ve never had. Maybe I feel cheated. Can you miss something you have never held in your hands?
I’m a doer my nature. Not one to sit idly by and wait for my life to happen to me. I constantly have my hands in something. Working, moving, going….. always, working towards the next goal. Please, don’t take this as a way to live at all times. I have humbly learned the art of rest through the passing years. Maybe it’s the way I am.
Maybe it’s what my life has taught me. Some of it is my nature and some of it the nurture. I don’t believe in chance, luck, or serendipity. I don’t believe things happen by accident. I am a believer in making your own way, working for it, getting your hands and knees dirty, and doing whatever it takes to make what you believe is yours, happen. What do you do when the things of life aren’t tangible, changeable?
Grief isn’t something I can fix. Healing doesn’t come with a formula or a perfect set of directions. And just when you think you have forgiven enough, talked it through enough, waited, rested, prayed enough….. it creeps in and brings me back to my knees.
Grief requires faith. The kind of faith that Jesus talks about. Faith that moves mountains. Faith believes in something you can’t see. It’s about believing in miracles. Miracles don’t fit in my box. They don’t meet my expectations or conform to my way of thinking. They are bigger than what I can grasp or hold on to. They are not serendipity or luck. They are the work of a Holy God who loves His people. A God that creates in me a pure heart, one of forgiveness and hope. A heart that lives in freedom, chains of disappointment broken. Healing is a promise. A promise from a faithful God. A promise to me, a hurting, often faithless believer.
And I will put my hope in the knowledge that He will make all things right in the end. Sometimes, the only thing we can do is believe. ~ Angela