This was a journal entry a couple of years back. My divorce hadn’t been final long. My house on the market wasn’t selling and I was paying for it although I couldn’t live there. I drove an hour to work one way and gas was over $4.00 a gallon. I was dealing with an irate ex-husband and trying to sort out all of the emotions and fears that come with a divorce. As if things couldn’t get any worse, I had found a small, but noticeable lump under my arm. I’m sharing what I wrote with you to encourage you, not matter what the magnitude of your current situation to keep up the hope and keep fighting. To assure you that God is working regardless of how you are feeling about it.
July 10, 2009
I found what I felt to be a lump under my arm. It was, once again, a torment on my psyche, imagining already the worst case scenarios. Trying to keep faith and actually being at peace was a battle periodically throughout the days prior to my ultrasound. I knew, one night, that my best bet was to read Psalms. I was not only scared, but I was feeling discouraged about myself and my lack of ability to remain at rest in God. Once again, I was freaking out. I came upon Psalm 116. My impression as I was reading was: “Here is David, a king, and he is freaking out…….again!” Once again, he had to give himself the “ol’ buck up buckaroo” speech. If this is how it was for David, a man after God’s heart, then it’s okay for me to have these moments. God will still deal with me with compassion as He did David. Another verse caught my eye. “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” The wording in itself could give one the impression that God loves to watch His good people die. But that wasn’t my impression. I felt like this was that God doesn’t take lightly the lives of the godly. The study portion of my Bible confirmed this for me. “Not in the sense that it is highly valued, but that of which it is highly watched over.” In other words, I am not expendable!
This lesson was extended as I was giving Isaac his bath. Even though my arm is always underneath him to prevent him from going under, and I pour carefully to keep soap from getting in his eyes, he often freaks out anyway. I tell him that I don’t want soap to get in his eyes or for him to go under. Even when he is freaking out, I will still do what I can to keep this from happening. It occurred to me then that it is the same for God. That He doesn’t want unnecessary harm to come to us either. His arm is under me.
Nothing was ever found on the ultrasound.
1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“LORD, save me!”
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
8 For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the LORD when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.
15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, LORD;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the LORD.