Some days everything seems so overwhelming to me. I get to thinking about things in such a broad overview trying to make sense of the world. I don’t know why I do it. I just find myself feeling that life is like a fast-moving train and there is no way to jump off of it. It all seems too crazy. I want to wrap my head around it and I can’t. I was having one of these thought processes the other night when I asked God “why? Why did you create us?” “Why all of this?”. It brought to mind my pregnancy. It was almost the same feeling. I was on this crazy ride that there was no turning around and going back. That baby was going to have to come out one way or another. Either way terrified me. I, felt about being pregnant similar to how I felt about myself being ever born and here on Earth, like I was on this course or this track that I didn’t ask for and wasn’t sure that I wanted. The thoughts left as quickly as they came and as I had returned to the room to pray with Isaac and read him a story. As I looked down on him, I was making some silly comment and he responded with a face bright and shining full of life. Almost simultaneously, I heard “That’s why.”
I am not trying to paint a Johnson & Johnson scene describing motherhood as good smells and giggling children. There have been tears, fears, grief, pain alongside the joy, pleasure, and fulfillment of being a mother. You can’t have one without the other. It was fear over potential health issues his first couple of years that brings me the joy of watching my healthy boy play and grow. It was the initial pain of being a single parent that has brought me into the pleasure of having a very close relationship with him now. It has been the tears for every frustration of not knowing how to be mom, that has caused me to grow into parenthood and find it my most fulfilling occupation.
I never intended to bring another life in the world. I was too afraid and too self-centered to think it was possible. However, I can tell you that even though I had all of these ambitious dreams no calling, other than spreading the Gospel, could be greater now than to be called “mama”. Nothing feels more right than when he is sitting in my lap. No music is more pleasant than the made up songs he sings while playing. I can’t help but laugh when he laughs. I can’t help but smile when he’s talking to me about something serious. Nothing can make my heart more proud and hopeful than when he is asking sincere questions about “God and Jesus”.
At one point, motherhood felt like a hopeless circumstance now is a high purpose. It isn’t a hassle, a hardship, or an obligation. It’s an honor given of God; a blessing of getting a glimpse of His very nature. Life begets life. Isaac is full of it and I get to play a part. The Creator created because He can and does. There is something beautiful about being born and alive that could only have His thumbprint on it and that’s all I need to understand my previous question of “why?” You can’t get a better idea of this than through motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day……… every day.