Brokenness has been a theme that has run throughout my life. It’s also something that God has been addressing in my life recently. Brokenness can mean readiness of the heart for submission to Jesus’ way of doing things as opposed to mine or any other voice I might be listening to at the time. If I am being broken, it either means that I have not been listening or that something basic in me must be swept away before He can make something beautiful out of me. He uses all different types of things to produce that place of submission in me, including severe illness and lost relationships.
For a long time, I believed that my destiny was to become a doctor “without borders” as they call it now. I wove wonderful dreams of being a medical missionary of sorts, serving those who needed medical care most, yet who had no care available, and who definitely had no money to pay. God said “NO”. His answer made no sense to my mind; I thought surely I must have heard the message wrongly…after all, didn’t every test I took and every person I met tell me that I would make a good doctor? I kept on pushing the issue by continuing schooling along those lines. He knew that I was stubborn, so He allowed me to become ill, seriously ill, and for a long time. The illness made it impossible to continue taking classes. The effects of those illnesses still plague my body today, even though I’ve asked many times to be healed.
Jesus knew that had I gone into medicine, that I would have ended up being “married to medicine”, and most likely would have made myself so busy with it that I would have lost my soul. He knew I would have not taken time to be with Him and instead, would have poured out my life into “serving” others. The problem was that “my dream” was not in His timing, in His direction, in His view of who I am to be for Him in this world. It looked so good on the surface; why did He not want me to follow it? What good does it do if someone gains the entire world and loses their soul to it?
That portion of my life is like a snapshot for me into what it means to submit to God, not foremost because it is what I SHOULD do, even though it is, not because He is the God of the universe and deserves that obedience,worship, love, and respect, even though He is and does, but for the simplicity of His love for me. He told me that love and reconciliation was the whole of His purpose for Himself and His people in this world. He told me that He did not want me to miss out on the greatest blessing there could ever be, all for something that will pass away along with this world, even though it is considered a good thing, even perhaps a wonderful thing in this life. He told me that He wanted me to pass the message of this blessing to everyone that I met along the path to Him at life’s end.
For the very reason of the blessing He has led me to, I do not believe that I have “missed out” in this life. He is building a good and solid foundation of love and good deeds on those old broken dreams, molding them into something I did not expect, molding me into a form I never thought possible. I am certain that there will continue to be things in my life that will need to be broken out of me. But hopefully, I have learned to quiet my mind to receive His messages to me, and quieted my heart to allow Him to mold me faster so that I do not have to be broken to grow. He convinced me that He only wishes to change me to be more like my REAL self and give me the true desires of my heart. That says to me that I have nothing to fear because Love casts out all fear. I am broken, but I am not defeated!